January Jumpstart: Jan 20 Depression

Collage is one of my own called “My Dark and Dusty Corner”

I have been fighting depression for most of my life. Some of it is trauma based from sexual assaults. Some of it is the feeling of being neglected and lonely. Some of it is physical, some hormonal. Some is age.

But whatever the reason, it continues.

I’ve been on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for years. Now I refuse to take anti-depressants but I finally gave into the anti-anxiety med because it also helped another annoying symptom.

I’ve been in and out of therapy for years. I’m not sure I’ll go back to it. It seems like each therapist just wants to talk about what they want to talk about, and not what I actually need. So I substitute writing and journaling instead.

Being in pain is depressing all by itself and trying to find a doctor who understands pain, let alone depression, isn’t the easier thing to do. With depression, all they want to do is medicate and that’s the last thing I want or need. With pain they are totally freaked out about medication, so they just ignore it. I’ve found some alternatives for that… again, writing helps. Listening to relaxing music. Meditation. I’m going to try to get back into massage therapy and acupuncture, since those helped me so well 10 years ago.

Some of the depression is from being alone and isolated. I am alone in small town with just a few friends here. I can’t afford to move back to the city, which would be my first choice. My family doesn’t think I am worth their time and even if they are in the area, never call to see me. I gave up seeing them years ago and now with a disability, it’s very difficult for me to travel to see them anyway.

My online life is the one thing that saves me. I’m able to connect with friends all over the world. The Internet is my social life, my education, my entertainment, my therapy.

I know depression is a common problem for a lot of people. Healthcare doesn’t seem to focus on it much, in fact, most mental health needs are overlooked. They are seen as a character flaw rather than a problem that needs to be addressed.

With our fast paced life, and our increasingly more ways to interact, people still feel like something is missing. That physical connection of one another where we can reach out and touch someone, look into their eyes, see their smile, hear their voice, smell their scent, has many of us feeling like our life is lacking a very important component of life.

3 thoughts on “January Jumpstart: Jan 20 Depression

  1. This is a really poignant and thoughtful post. I can relate a lot to what you say here. I, too, am currently off antidepressants but find myself increasingly needing to take my anti-anxiety medication. Often I don’t know why I have been triggered, but I have been exceptionally lucky to find a great therapist and am getting better at recognising when and contemplating why issues are coming up.
    Very true about the effects of pain, too. In the most basic level, pain affects sleep, and without sleep it’s very hard to deal with depression, anxiety and stress. And pain medication does indeed bring a plethora of its own problems (I was recently heavily pain-medicated for months, and the withdrawal symptoms I had when I was finally able to wean off really brought home to me how much of a double edged sword they are.

    I wish you well on your continuing journey with depression and anxiety xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Juniper. Your comments really help to validate what I’m dealing with and that is so helpful for me. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, experiences and opinions with me.

      Liked by 1 person

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